Keep Moving Forward

by | Jul 18, 2020 | Recent Musings, Written In Stone

An Extrovert Turned Introvert.

Since my last blog post, so much has changed. Of course there’s the obvious…COVID-19 has altered the course of history and the future for every human being on the face of the Earth. This is a well-covered topic, so there’s no need to repeat what’s been said.

In my last blog post I yearned for an escape from my miserable job–and it seems that I got exactly what I wanted. Did I think it would come at the cost of lives and a major health crisis? Certainly not. I spent many days crying, depressed and struggling, knowing what would be the outcome of this pandemic. I spent a month trying to convince my friends, family and then-coworkers why/how this was a big deal. It is an absolute tragedy and I would go back to how my life was before in a heartbeat, if it would bring back peoples’ lives. I am still struggling with the fact that while I may be thriving in quarantine, others are struggling, failing or dying. This is not lost on me. But, I’m learning that I only have power over my own life and I must keep moving forward.

In early April, I was laid off “temporarily.” Although, it’s now July and I haven’t heard from them once since then. I can’t deny that I was given a perfect escape from my job in the best way possible. Like many people, I’m making more money on unemployment than I was at my job, which is a ridiculous reality. However, it’s allowing me to save money for the first time in my life. And I managed to get out of a very negative work environment and a job that I hated, without having to quit or get fired.

I wish I had spent my entire quarantine writing and being productive. I’m sure a lot of people will look back and wish they had been more productive during this time. But, I’m finally finding my motivation again–it’s never too late to start. And it’s entirely okay to NOT be productive right now. You can use this time however you’d like. It’s yours to use [safely].

Normally, I would categorize myself as an outgoing, extroverted person, but I have embraced my inner introvert during quarantine and I might not ever go back. I am learning to play the guitar, focusing on my writing, healing my mind and learning to love myself again.

My relationship is also thriving in quarantine. I’ve heard quite a few “jokes” about couples splitting up due to isolating with their significant others…but I have had the opposite experience. I believe that you should find a partner who you grow closer with in isolation, not the other way around. If you are finding that you can’t stand to be around the person you chose as your partner, maybe it’s time to reevaluate that relationship. I know it’s easier said than done, but relationships you CHOOSE should be positive experiences. The same can be said about friendships and other relationships. There are people in my life now who I value more than ever before. But there are also people who I have realized don’t bring me joy and maybe it’s time to take a step back.

And that’s okay!! You are allowed to feel your feelings. You are entitled to do what is best for YOU. No one else can dictate your life. Once you realize that you are the sole person in charge of your happiness, you will be in control of your destiny and your life. This is a lesson I am learning every single day.

Just keep going. It’s all we can do. If you keep moving forward, you will arrive somewhere.

The magic is in the mystery.

Thanks for listening/reading,

Ilaria ♥

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New Endeavors

by | Mar 9, 2020 | Recent Musings, Written In Stone

Things Must Change.

I’ve felt trapped in a circular loop for about two years now, going on three. I am not fulfilled by my job, my true passion is live theater, but it’s incredibly difficult to be successful in that field–especially where I live. But, I cannot keep living life this way. I make decent money, I don’t worry about bills right now, I have great benefits, but I’m unhappy at work. I feel stuck and forced to stay at this job in order to survive. I don’t want to go back to having five part time jobs and making myself crazy. I am truly blessed to have a “regular” job and still do theater on the side.

I know that I am lucky to have this job and this life. But, is all that worth being miserable? I hope not. I hope happiness in life is more important than all that. I constantly feel like I’m going against the grain by professing my hatred toward a society that works to live or even lives to work. It feels like there’s no escape from this reality.

What is the answer? The answer is find something that actually makes you happy and do that for work. Easier said than done. Theater will not pay my bills, I know that. But, I would like to at least have a more creative and laid back job than I have now. I’d like to make my own hours, be free from this 9 to 5 prison that is crushing my soul.

Why do I have to suffer everyday until I’m 60+ and then retire with little money, only to have barely lived my life when I was healthier and younger? Why are we all conforming to this way of life? There must be something better out there. This can’t be all it is for us.

I want more…I want to travel, I want to see the world and meet people. Isn’t that all we have really? The world and the people in it? Who cares about all the other bullshit.

In my last entry, I talked about my other true passion: writing. Which is obviously the point of this blog. If I can find a way to monetize writing, theater or a combination…that would be pretty amazing.

So…I’ve started on a new creative endeavor that was probably a little crazy and I was not prepared for…

I invested in my own little recording studio to hopefully make some money doing voice over work. Or maybe even start a podcast.

I KNOW! It’s a LOT of work. And if you try to imagine how much work it is, multiply that by about 100. I am feeling really overwhelmed with how to get started. Yes, there are plenty of resources online. But, I think it’s more about my own personal struggles with projects. I jump in head first but then get very overwhelmed easily. Oh, the joy of having Executive Functioning Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder in conjunction with anxiety and OCD-tendencies. On top of a perfectionist mentality. I know, I’m a bit of a hot mess.

I really struggle with self-motivation and mental organization, so starting a new journey from scratch is a very intimidating prospect for me. I don’t know how to start, I don’t even know what to do first. I can read all the information, tips and advice I want, but at the end of the day I’ll still be sitting there wondering what to do FIRST. Stuck and trapped in a loop of “it has to be perfect.”

I’ve struggled with this my entire life, through school, projects, work related things. Luckily/unluckily for me, every job I’ve ever had has fallen into my lap. I don’t consider myself particularly lucky because of this. I think it’s hindered my self-growth, self-motivation and general independence. I’m not sure how to fix that now, I think the only thing to do is to move forward.

That’s why I am doing this now. If I can do this on my own and make money at it, I’ll feel so proud and so empowered. Now, I just have to figure out the first steps.

Thanks for listening/reading,

Ilaria ♥

Shameless Plugs:

Write: ANYTHING.

by | Feb 3, 2020 | Recent Musings

Second blog post, over a year later.

So, last year, when I started this blog, I vowed to be honest, daring and true to myself. And yet, I never once posted again during 2019. Technically speaking, I didn’t break the vow, but I also didn’t uphold it. How can I call myself honest, daring and true to myself when I didn’t even try to write?

That’s why this post is called “Write: ANYTHING.” The most common advice I hear about writing is “just WRITE.” It’s pretty good advice, but it can also be pretty hard to do these days. I used to write daily; I kept a journal from third grade until freshman year of college, ELEVEN YEARS. I wrote countless poems, short stories, ideas…I even enjoyed writing academic papers. Life has gotten so busy now…when I have free time, I am lazy.

Oh, you’re wondering what happened? I don’t know, really. I wrote about love and death and fear. Darkness and sadness and hope and light. And now I write nothing. Part of me wonders if I was purging my teenage angst and now I’m angst-free and haven’t learned how to move on in my writing. So, instead I stopped altogether. I matured and my writing was left behind.

I mean, life does get in the way. It’s what everyone says, because it’s true. I have a whole life now with a steady and healthy relationship, a full-time job, two cats and I’m pretty happy most days. For me, happiness does not allow me to write in the same way. I was always better at writing about dark and depressing things.

Plus, I have this fear…don’t laugh…I have this fear that if I write about things that make me happy, that they will leave me. It’s happened before–quite a few times, coincidence or not, and I don’t want to risk it, I guess. It doesn’t feel like an excuse to not write. It feels like a genuine fear. I’m terrified to lose the things that I love. I think that’s a bigger story for another day, but there’s so much holding me back from writing.

But besides fear of abandonment, there’s something within me that is also afraid that nothing I write will be good enough. People used to tell me I was a good writer. Now, whether they were just saying that because I was a kid, I don’t really know. But, I believed them. I believed I would be a great writer one day. Did that day come and go? Did I miss my opportunity? “It’s never too late,” you may be thinking. I hope that’s true.

Let’s pretend it is true, for a second. How would I even get started? Yes, I started a blog. A blog that I posted on ONCE in a whole year. Writing is a habit, a habit that has escaped me. Okay, so how does one get back into the habit? Write: ANYTHING. Just put the words down. Right?

Growing up, my father always told me I had this “great potential.” I even wrote a fictionalized story about it. I was so intimidated by my own potential, that I shied away from it like it was the plague. I know he still thinks I haven’t reached that potential. And I am constantly afraid of letting everyone down. But, what if he’s wrong? Or what if I don’t know how to achieve it? Or what if I’m afraid to.

I used to daydream about English classes teaching my poetry. Now, it feels impossible to reach that level of achievement. I have no idea how to get there. I have no idea how to get better.

Just write anything down…is that really the answer? What if it’s bad, what if I don’t get better? What if no one likes it or even reads it? Is the point of writing for others to read your words? Or is it for yourself? I used to write only for me. I didn’t care who read it or what they thought of it. I was purging emotions and writing was the only way I felt better. Have I outgrown it? How can I start over again?

I never even had to try to write before. I would feel things and the words would pour out of me like butter. Sometimes, when I would reread my own work, I didn’t even recognize or remember writing certain things. It was almost like I would go into a state while writing. I can’t recall the last time that happened for me.

That was euphoria.

Once, I remember writing a PAGES long poem about the minute that night turns to day. I was so moved by the thought of every beautiful thing that happens in that one minute. I haven’t experienced that kind of writing in probably ten years.

I miss it. This blog was created as an attempt to get back into the habit. Which last year, clearly, I failed to do. But, all we can do is try again.

All I can do is write: ANYTHING.

Thank you for listening.

Ilaria ♥

Shameless Plugs:

Written in Stone

by | Jan 25, 2019 | Story Time

First blog post, here we go.

No longer will I be the person who says, “I’ll start a blog one day…” Today is the day! I have stepped into the light to share my ideas with the world, both good and bad (hopefully more of the former).

I’m nervous, though. It’s daunting and scary to start a blog! To be open on the internet and free with thought.

I vow to be honest, daring and true to myself throughout this journey. Will you join me?

Shameless Plugs:

STORY TIME!

I am a huge fan of the True Crime genre. I devour everything true crime; television, film, podcasts, books–you name it. If it’s true crime related, I’m interested. Suffice it to say, I’ve seen/listened to enough of the genre to be forced to be extremely aware of my surroundings (and/or paranoid?).

The other day, I was getting gas around 9pm. I always check to make sure I’m not alone, and there were plenty of other cars and lights on. I turned off my car and looked to my left. I met eyes with the passenger in the opposite car. He stared at me with this strange grin, something I’ve only ever seen on TV. Usually if someone stares at me I chalk it up to being a female and walk a little faster.

This felt different from the moment we locked eyes. The man stared at me with unsmiling eyes and a grinning mouth. It was unsettling, to say the least. I looked away and reached for my purse to grab my debit card.

As I got out of my car, I noticed that this man was STILL staring and “smiling” at me. I tried so hard to look away and focus on getting gas, but I could feel his eyes on me. A few minutes into the task, the man opened his door and called out to the woman he was with (the driver of his car, who was pumping their gas).

“Are you alright? Is everything okay?” She said yes, reassuringly and he closed his door. But, not without staring at me again, from over his shoulder. He continued to try to sneak looks at me for a few painful minutes.

His companion left the pump to go inside the gas station. My mind raced. Was this man going to kidnap me and stuff me in their trunk while she wasn’t looking? Or maybe she knows how creepy he is? How could I help her if she doesn’t know? I tried to remain calm. The numbers on the pump ticked up, it felt like an eternity. Plus, I had to pee so badly. Why do I always have to pee while I’m getting gas?

Just as I was finishing at the pump, the woman returned from the gas station and crossed in front of my car to hers.

He opened his door again, “Are you alright, is everything okay?” She tried again to convince him that, yes, everything was fine. Looking back, this may have been the weirdest part of the entire encounter. What was he so worried about?

He closed the door. His eyes were burning a hole into my back as I quickly jumped into my car. I couldn’t help myself: I looked at him. I was met with the same strange unsmiling smile. Chills ran down my spine.

And then I did something stupid. I could feel the disgusted look wash over my face. He definitely saw it. I quickly looked away, my hands shook as I fumbled with the car keys through my gloves.

Please let me get out of here. Please. It’s true, there were a lot of people around, it wouldn’t be easy to kidnap someone here. But I was deeply unsettled by this man. My car started. Relief washed over. I peeled out of the gas station and onto the main road.

I looked over to the station…He was still staring at me.

Thanks for reading! Note to self: buy pepper spray.

That’s all for now!
Ilaria ♥