New Endeavors

by | Mar 9, 2020 | Recent Musings, Written In Stone | 0 comments

Things Must Change.

I’ve felt trapped in a circular loop for about two years now, going on three. I am not fulfilled by my job, my true passion is live theater, but it’s incredibly difficult to be successful in that field–especially where I live. But, I cannot keep living life this way. I make decent money, I don’t worry about bills right now, I have great benefits, but I’m unhappy at work. I feel stuck and forced to stay at this job in order to survive. I don’t want to go back to having five part time jobs and making myself crazy. I am truly blessed to have a “regular” job and still do theater on the side.

I know that I am lucky to have this job and this life. But, is all that worth being miserable? I hope not. I hope happiness in life is more important than all that. I constantly feel like I’m going against the grain by professing my hatred toward a society that works to live or even lives to work. It feels like there’s no escape from this reality.

What is the answer? The answer is find something that actually makes you happy and do that for work. Easier said than done. Theater will not pay my bills, I know that. But, I would like to at least have a more creative and laid back job than I have now. I’d like to make my own hours, be free from this 9 to 5 prison that is crushing my soul.

Why do I have to suffer everyday until I’m 60+ and then retire with little money, only to have barely lived my life when I was healthier and younger? Why are we all conforming to this way of life? There must be something better out there. This can’t be all it is for us.

I want more…I want to travel, I want to see the world and meet people. Isn’t that all we have really? The world and the people in it? Who cares about all the other bullshit.

In my last entry, I talked about my other true passion: writing. Which is obviously the point of this blog. If I can find a way to monetize writing, theater or a combination…that would be pretty amazing.

So…I’ve started on a new creative endeavor that was probably a little crazy and I was not prepared for…

I invested in my own little recording studio to hopefully make some money doing voice over work. Or maybe even start a podcast.

I KNOW! It’s a LOT of work. And if you try to imagine how much work it is, multiply that by about 100. I am feeling really overwhelmed with how to get started. Yes, there are plenty of resources online. But, I think it’s more about my own personal struggles with projects. I jump in head first but then get very overwhelmed easily. Oh, the joy of having Executive Functioning Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder in conjunction with anxiety and OCD-tendencies. On top of a perfectionist mentality. I know, I’m a bit of a hot mess.

I really struggle with self-motivation and mental organization, so starting a new journey from scratch is a very intimidating prospect for me. I don’t know how to start, I don’t even know what to do first. I can read all the information, tips and advice I want, but at the end of the day I’ll still be sitting there wondering what to do FIRST. Stuck and trapped in a loop of “it has to be perfect.”

I’ve struggled with this my entire life, through school, projects, work related things. Luckily/unluckily for me, every job I’ve ever had has fallen into my lap. I don’t consider myself particularly lucky because of this. I think it’s hindered my self-growth, self-motivation and general independence. I’m not sure how to fix that now, I think the only thing to do is to move forward.

That’s why I am doing this now. If I can do this on my own and make money at it, I’ll feel so proud and so empowered. Now, I just have to figure out the first steps.

Thanks for listening/reading,

Ilaria ♥

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